Dancing to Connect

Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, uses dance as an analogy to describe relationship patterns in her book Hold Me Tight (2008). One person’s words and reactions influence the other’s, creating an ongoing cycle of back-and-forth exchanges. As time passes, these exchanges form predictable patterns and habits that shape the relationship. When both people feel understood and supported, the “dance” can strengthen their bond. But when the interactions become negative—resulting in insecurity or disconnection—the dynamic begins to harm the relationship.

Relationships are rooted in attachment—the emotional connection people form with each another. Attachment allows us to feel connected, seen, valued, and safe in relationship. In adulthood, these patterns often mirror the bonds established with primary caregivers early in life. Individuals who experienced consistent care and a sense of safety growing up are more likely to develop secure attachments in their later relationships. However, when security and safety are missing in relationships, challenges emerge. When someone feels emotionally safe and connected, he or she can experience and extend trust and intimacy to others. Attachment styles can be altered through intentional practice and attunement. By examining patterns within a relationship, a couple can build healthy interactions, restore trust and create secure intimacy. The following are some common negative patterns that couples may encounter. Couples may notice one or more of them in their relationship.

3   Common Dances

1.     Find the Bad Guy

This dance stems from self-protection. Both partners are engage in accusations, attacks, and defensiveness in an effort to prove the other is to blame. Ultimately, the couple feels unsafe. As the threat of blame or losing connection increases, each person escalates in order to establish the high ground in order to feel safe again.

An example of a couple in the Find the Bad Guy dance:

The husband says, “You left a mess in the kitchen.” The wife responds, “Well, you didn’t get the eggs I asked you to pick up.” The husband responds with, “You didn’t ask until I was half way home.” This keeps going until both are angry, hurt, run out of words, or walk away.

The problem isn’t the mess or the eggs. The issue is that both partners feel unvalued by their spouse’s actions. In this attack pattern, neither feels safe enough to vulnerably admit to the hurt underneath the anger. 

2.     The Protest Polka

This is the most common dance and the easiest to learn. In this dance one person reaches for connection in a negative way, and the other pulls away. The push and pull movement perpetuates the endless, unsatisfying loop.

An example of a couple caught in the Protest Polka:

The wife says, “We never go out.” The husband, stares in silence at the television. The wife responds, “Here we go again, you’re going to sit there and ignore me when I try to talk to you.” The husband looks blankly at her and then back to the game. The wife says, “Why do I even try? This is ridiculous.”

Under the surface of the words, the wife is feeling disconnected from the husband and is trying to engage with him to feel closer. The husband is feels shamed and criticized by the wife and feels he can never be enough for her. He feels like a failure and believes anything he tries will backfire, so he sits frozen in loneliness and hopelessness while his wife feels abandoned and unwanted.

3.     Freeze and Flee

In this dance, the spouses have given up and neither gets needs met. No one is engaging or making an effort; the air is filled with palpable tension or cold politeness. This dance is the most perilous to the relationship. Both partners in this dance feel establishing connection is impossible. The spouses likely feel numbness, withdrawal, and/or detached. Both have given up on the risk vulnerability and have resigned that this inevitably the way it will always be.

An example of a couple trapped in Freeze and Flee:

The wife complains, “You never touch me.” The husband snaps back, “Why should I? You only care about the kids.” The mumbles under her breath, “That’s because they love me.” Both walk away and resume work or household tasks.

Both of the partners have an aching need for touch and affection but are too scared to admit it. Each begins to believe something is inherently wrong with him or her that makes him or her unlovable. They resign to the sadness that this is what they deserve and live on in emptiness and disconnection.  

The Dance of Connection

When we slow down, we can see the unhealthy patterns and how we contribute to them. By working together to change the pattern, couples can create a healthy and secure attachment that produces intimacy and commitment. Each person needs to own his or her part in the pattern to provide the safety and connection needed to rebuild trust and intimacy.

Ways to Slow Down and Find Each Other:

a.     Notice when the pattern begins and what you are experiencing internally.

b.    Calm your nervous system using deep breathing, ask to take a break to and come back at a set time to discuss pattern.

c.     Look insideto figure outthe emotion you are showing on the surface and any underlying emotions you are feeling. Ask yourself what you are longing for in the relationship. Do you need to feel safe, connected, valued, respected, seen, etc.?

d.    Listen for what your spouse is trying to communicate beneath the words. What might he or she need? What is he or she longing for? Can you provide the safety and connection needed so he or she can share needs with you?

e.     Communicate your needs and your desire to meet the needs of your spouse. Talk about the pattern you are in and how you want to change the pattern by slowing down and sharing your needs in a loving, safe manner.

If you recognize one or more of these dances in your relationship and need help working through them, I would love to help you deescalate negative patterns, restructure your bond, and consolidate your relationship.

Resource

The Attachment Project Learn more about attachment and take a free quiz to determine how you attach to others and how your attachment style impacts your relationships.

Reference

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.